Monday 29th November 2021
My head, on this fine and glorious new morning, is chock-a-block full to the point of bursting.
But no need to panic. No need at all.
Because, the state of my head is not, as appearances might dictate, the aftermath of last-night`s excesses! Far from it!
Excesses?
Excesses indeed!
Last night was nothing more, and nothing less, than the usual. The usual being a bog-standard-drinks-on-the-Academy-tab recruitment event. Nothing more than an evening spent in the company of my latest. My latest, of course, in recruitment terms, also being my newest.
And with my new being late, as in my new being soon spent, what was there, indeed, for me to be excessed [1] about?
Anyway, back to my main point.
Back to me.
As I was saying, my head – not unusually – is bursting. Because, much as it pains me to say it (knowing that to have come up with yet another initiative for school-improvement is tantamount to inciting a riot [2]); yes, much as it pains me, my latest vision is just too good to keep to myself.
Hence, for once – just on this one occasion – I feel the rare compulsion to force myself out of bed and make it to this morning`s Staff Briefing …
Okay, okay, let`s not go too far; this act of exertion is not as unlikely as it might be – I don`t, it has to be said, need to travel too far to check on my teaching staff. This is as well, as I`m not in any state to either drive or be driven.
Sure, on the latter point, there`s no law against being hungover, calling up a taxi and placing oneself in charge of a passenger seat! But why risk it? Why put one` s hard-earned cash in the grubby hands of one of these new-fangled Post-Brexit cabby types? All of them, white, British-born and as mercenary as they come! The last Cabby I booked wanted me to cover the costs of cleaning up the tiniest of vomit stains from his precious upholstery. More like he wanted me to pay for his next tattoo job! Cheek of it!
No respect.
Bring back the foreigners, I say!
Okay, so driving is a no go, as is being driven, but who`s to say I can` t Head up the boardroom, or should I say the bedroom, from right where I am.
Even so, it` s probably best I buff-up for the occasion. Or, as some might say – dress-up!
Because if one thing` s for certain, it` s absolutely not worth me dressing-down for.
For sure, some do say that `rocking a collared shirt`, even over PJ bottoms, is guaranteed to make a man `50 per cent more productive` and my latest can 100% vouch for that [4]. Such are the wonders of all laptops made in China, however, that the video-cam mercifully can`t, or won`t, capture anything lower than my waist.
Hence, why bother?
Why bother with dressing down, or should I say with the pulling up of – any of my bottoms at all?
The Staff Briefing:
Morning all.
Glad to see you `ve all made it into work this morning. Sadly, due to a seriously-debilitating cough, I am unable to be with you in person. It would be remiss of me, however, not be with you, at least in spirit, to introduce our newest member of staff. Miss Twala.
As you all know, following the sudden departure of Mrs Soul (bless!), and in view of the national teacher shortage, we launched an international appeal for someone, anyone, to head-up our ever-popular Health and Social Care programme. Responding forthwith, Miss Twala immediately put aside her fiancé, called me up, handed in her resignation, and … and here she now is – fresh off the very last flight from South Africa. Previously employed as a Health Worker, albeit voluntary, Miss Twala brings with her a host of easily-transmissible-working methods, all of which can only serve to increase the cost-efficiency of our school.
You will, of course, make Miss Twala feel very welcome.
And before you all rush off to your classrooms, may I also take this opportunity to announce a small change to the School Dress Code. A small change that will soon reap far-reaching and massive benefits. Face-masks, be they plain or patterned, and with or without ventilators, are not permitted to be worn on school premises, either outside or within our buildings. This is in line with government guidance and if any misguided Covid believers wish to take issue with the rule, be they student, parent or teacher, they must make an appointment – via my Secretary – to come and discuss it with myself. Extremicism has no place in this school, and as always, by way of the late and generous Mrs Soul`s legacy, I have at my disposal the ways and means for its extermination.
But far be it from me to keep you from our students, or me from my sick-bed. Run along now …!
Video-Link Briefing terminated at 8.35am.
Al sorted. Nothing fresh anymore about Miss Twala, of course, but they don`t need to know that. Not feeling all that fresh myself either. All that innovative-thinking stuff so early in the morning has just about bursted [4] me in.
Needs must. Back to bed.
Audio-Diary terminated at 8.40am.
Copyright of Mr Superspreader` s diary owned by Suidae Trough
[1] Note to self. Excessed is definitely a real word. And, with regards to Trainee Teacher applications for September 2022, I must make a point of weeding out any females over the age of 25, and all males under the age of 50.
[2] I` m still forking out on staff-room refurbishments after the last wave of dissent!
[3] Taylor, Adam `10 best shirt brands for men: From designer to sustainable fashion labels`, in The Independent online, Tuesday 25th January.
[4] If the word bursted is not in the English Dictionary, it jolly well ought to be! And if one cannot burst in, as well as out, why bother with bothering about it?
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